dreaming of a homebirth

I know it's presumptuous of me to even think about any kind of future birth, let alone bemoan the fact that I won't be able to have the type of birth I would most desire. However, I keep stumbling upon stories of homebirths and can't help but feel a twinge of sadness that if I am able to have another child, I have no choice but to deliver in a hospital.

My pregnancy with G-baby was going great up until the last trimester. I conceived pretty quickly (after only 3 months of actively trying), had no morning sickness, and was feeling generally really good. Not to mention, actually enjoying my body for the first time in my whole life. On New Years Eve, we went out for our annual New Years dinner. That night, right around midnight, I woke up from my sleep, went into the bathroom, and threw up the whole meal. I hadn't been thrown up in almost 20 years. Something wasn't right. Then, two weeks later, while I was on break for the MLK holiday, I painted Gabby's nursery. I went without eating for a few hours, and got incredibly lightheaded and very irritable. Not usual for me.

At the end of January, I took the test for GD (gestational diabetes), and even though I started pregnancy at 105 lbs, and had only gained 15 up to that point, I tested positive. The rest of my pregnancy was consumed with blood tests, dieting, non-stress tests, and ultrasounds galore. Then, around 32 weeks, I started to feel like Gabby's head was literally between my legs. My doctor did an internal, and sure enough I was already 2cm dilated and 70% effaced. At 35 weeks, I was at work, and for several hours had been ignoring the strange pangs in my abdomen. Except at lunch, they got pronounced enough that I couldn't eat. My doctor had me go to the hospital. I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. Once at the hospital, the contractions started to peter out, and I stopped progressing. I was sent home on modified bed rest until 37 weeks.

Gabby held out until 39 weeks. I was going to be induced in days, because of the GD. The whole night, I had needed to pee a lot. It was like she was just pummeling my bladder. Finally, she seemed to stop, and I tried to sleep. Except then it felt like I had to go #2. For an hour, I sat on the toilet, wondering why I couldn't seem to go. I gave up, and when I stood, saw the bloody show in the toilet bowl. I woke Lee, and we went to the hospital.

Once at the hospital, the nurses didn't think anything was urgent. I didn't seem to be in a lot of pain and was handling conversation well. I sat in triage waiting to be examined for about half an hour. A resident doctor came in to check me, and was astounded to find that I was 7cm, 100% effaced. She wheeled me down to the L&D suite. On the way, the nurse mentioned sending for my epidural, to which I responded that I didn't want one. She told me, "No one ever does it without one."

Once in the room, they hooked me up to the fetal monitors, and IVs with fluid. They started asking me when I first noticed the contractions (around midnight), and other questions. When my doctor arrived, he asked again if I wanted an epidural. I told him I didn't, and he broke my water. This was the first time I actually felt my contractions. I started to question whether I could do it without the epidural after all.

I believe it was a half hour after he broke my water that I told Lee I felt the need to push. Lee went to get my doctor, and sure enough, it was time. I started pushing, and was astounded by the pain. It was worse then I was expecting. The nurses scolded me for screaming. The same nurses who had never witnessed anyone give birth without an epidural.

After a few pushes, the doctor told the resident that Gabby was "in distress," and that he wanted to use the vacuum to get her out faster. He performed a level 3 episiotomy, but before he got the vacuum ready, I had another contraction. I pushed with all my might, and got her out on my own. Lee didn't get to cut the cord. The scooped her up and took her away to the other side of the room.

Lee went with Gabby while I was being tended to. She was just fine after all. They had her for 15 minutes, doing all the usual stuff. Then, they let me hold her very briefly (literally, one minute), before taking her to the nursery for about three hours. I never thought to make them keep her with me.

Every one tells me I should be grateful for the way things worked out. I am, partly. I'm obviously glad that Gabby came out healthy. I'm not happy with the fact that she was kept from for me the first several hours, though. I'm not happy that the people at the hospital made me fear a natural labor and then chastised me for shouting when it hurt. If I were to give birth in a hospital again, I would expect each of these things to be remedied, and I would also expect to be discharged after 24 hours, not 48, because I want my whole family to be together as soon as possible.

I'm not eligible for a homebirth, and not even a birthing center. I'm a "high risk" patient, with a history of precipitous labor (all in all, it was between 3-4 hours from the time my first contraction hit to Gabby's arrival). Doesn't mean I have to settle for a subpar hospital experience, though.