To treat or not to treat, that is the question

So, as a Christian, I firmly believe that all things in my life are in God's hands and that all things are meant to be and happen for a reason.

I recently discovered that I have a luteal phase defect, meaning that the second half of my cycle is too short to allow a fertilized embryo to implant. In fact, this is almost certainly what happened this past month, when I had a multitude of pregnancy symptoms, and "felt" pregnant, only to get my period a few days earlier than I would have expected to. There were only about 9 cycle days after I ovulated, and an embryo doesn't fully settle in the lining until closer to 10-12 days. If not for this short luteal phase, there is a very good likelihood that I would be 5 weeks pregnant right now.

Supposedly, the luteal phase doesn't change, unless forced to. Pregnancy can change it, as it clearly did for me, in a negative way. In my case, it seems to be caused by high levels of Prolactin (the hormone that makes breastmilk), as my supply never fully dried up, even now 15 months after breastfeeding. B6 vitamin supplements can fix it, though. When I found out about this defect, I went ahead and started supplementing with B6 vitamin, just to at least try to get things back to normal. However, I don't think this is something I want to take longer than a month or two. I'm mostly taking it to try to finally dry up the rest of my breastmilk, because I'm tired of constantly leaking.

So, after that point, if my luteal phase isn't fixed, I will remain infertile. The odds of officially conceiving would be very low. However, I am okay with this. If it doesn't happen, then I kind of feel like it's God's will, and we should simply honor that. I'm not "treating" it now for the purpose of conceiving, I'm just trying to lower the Prolactin levels so that my body can get back to what it was pre-baby.

I don't think fertility treatments are bad, or unethical, and if I didn't already have a child, I'd probably be very tempted to do whatever I had to in order to conceive. But, I do already have a wonderful child.

Missing: One Empathy Chip

Have you ever met someone who seemed to lack empathy?

Lee and I get a lot (A LOT) of judgement around the fact that we're truly unsure about whether or not we will/should have a second child. Our hearts say, "yes," but our brains say, "are you nuts?!?"

For people who have never had a difficult child, the idea of not having a second seems absurd. I would imagine that if Gabby had been easier, this would be a piece of cake decision, and I'd probably already be well into my second pregnancy right now. However, G-baby wasn't easy, and still isn't. She only uses one word with any regularity, "up." She says this one word almost all day long, begging to be picked up and carried around the house. It's like having a newborn, except instead of crying to be held, she's demanding it with words, and crying if she's refused. I don't want to deny my child affection, but it gets pretty grueling carrying around a toddler all day long. This is one of those things that just can't be if we are to have another kid. I can't be Gabby's human chariot if there is a newborn baby to care for, too.

Right now, our official plan is one of "wait and see." I tell people that it's just a matter of timing, and eventually we will have a second child, we're just waiting until it's an appropriate time. The problem is that the appropriate time may never arrive. Right now, I'm home with Gabby, and I love it. I don't drive and I don't have a car. Before entertaining the thought of becoming pregnant again, I need to get my license and a car so I can take myself to appointments, without needing Lee to do it. I also need to start classes to get my teaching certificate, something that seems somewhat pointless given how hard it is to find a teaching job in this area.

It would be great if Lee had a job with more consistent hours then he does now, and more room for growth.

The brunt of the burden really falls in Gabby's shoulder's, though. She needs to:

- be able/willing to walk everywhere

- not expect to be held all the time

- be able to feed herself

- be able to dress herself

- be toilet trained

- be able to talk/communicate effectively

- be starting/in preschool

Basically, the earliest I could see having a second child is when Gabby is 3 1/2, because that's when she'll start preschool. At that point, she should be able to meet all the other criteria, too. I'll have to hold up my end, with the driving, at least. I'm not sure if I should bother with a teaching certificate, though, because it will just yield so much more debt, and very little chance of getting a job :-/

Times are changin'

The late twenties is a very interesting age range. I feel like it's the age group with the biggest variety in lifestyle. I know people who are still single and hitting up the bar scene regularly. I know people who are newlywed. I know people who have kids. I even know people who are divorced. Yet, we are all the same age. I can't imagine too many other times in our lives when there would be this much variety in lifestyles. It's just so interesting to me.

Today I made myself a salad with lettuce from our garden. I love that we have lettuce in the garden, because it's so convenient. However, it can be a pain to get clean, and I definitely just ate a piece with dirt still on it. Ew!

So, lately I've been wondering if there is a genetic link to certain breastfeeding issues. I know most people will simply say, "no," but I think it's worth considering. In my own case, I know that my mom has severely inverted nipples, which is why she was unable to breastfeed. 26 years later, I discover that I have one inverted nipple, and encounter troubles with breastfeeding because of this. Why wouldn't nipple type/shape be inherited? Makes sense to me. In fact, in the days before formula, this may have been something that would have been "weeded out" by the fact that a woman with seriously inverted nipples (like my mom) wouldn't have been able to feed her offspring, and they would have likely died. Thus ending the line, and the nipple issue. I would imagine that genuine low supply issues are the same way. I know I'm glad my mom had me in a time and place when formula feeding was available and safe. Otherwise, I would have been an infant mortality statistic.

Recipe: Black Beans & Brown Rice

2 Cans black beans (15-oz each) drained & rinsed

1 avocado, chopped

1 cup salsa

2 tbsp fresh parsley or cilantro, chopped

1 medium tomato, chopped

1 lime, juiced

salt

pepper

Cooked brown rice

Pour black beans, avocado, tomato, salsa, parsley/cilantro, and lime juice into bowl. Mix together, gently. Add salt and pepper to taste. Serve over cooked brown rice.

The happenings

Gabby is 16-months old today! In the last five days, she's had a verbal explosion, and is not only saying all of the words she had previously seemed to forget, but has added many others, including "love," "ball," and "poop," among others. So exciting! Here I was starting to feel like she was never going to really speak. What a relief!

However, this verbal explosion seemed to be triggered by a tumble down the stairs. On Monday, I was upstairs trying to clean our room. Gabby was in the bathroom, and I assumed, incorrectly, that the door into the hallway was closed. All of a sudden, I heard a really loud "thud," and for a moment thought, "what did she drop?" Then I realized, she dropped! I ran out into the hallway at the same time that Lee was running up the stairs. There was poor little Gabby, laying on the landing, crying. She had no visibly damage, and was just shaken up badly. Of course, I blamed myself, and then I blamed Lee, for not installing the gate upstairs as I had asked him to do months ago.

Lee's mom and grandma were on their way over for dinner. Of course, great timing, right? I wanted Lee to call them and tell them not to come. I wanted to take Gabby to the ER. Instead, we called my uncle Anthony, Gabby's pediatrician. He said to just monitor her for six-hours. So, Dale and Cecilia came over. Lee didn't even tell them what had happened, but they kept taking darn flash pictures of Gabby. With every flash, she would stumble, and finally I looked at Lee and said, "I really don't think the flash is a good idea!" Dale and Cecilia looked at me like I was being a bitch, and I just turned to them and said, "she fell down the stairs right before you came." I don't know why Lee didn't want to tell them. It would have done me a lot of good. I'm sure they were wondering why I was in a sour mood.

Thankfully, Gabby was fine, and now she's talking up a storm! Weird. Oh, and Lee put up the safety gate that night before Gabby went to bed.

A beginning...

I should have started blogging a long time ago. Maybe when I was planning my wedding (2006), or when I got pregnant (2008), or heck, even when my daughter, Gabriella, was born (2009). I'm a little late to the blog party, but I suppose it's better late than never, right?

So, let's just sum up. I'm Samantha. I'm married to Lee (yes, it's a boy's name, too). We have a 16-month old daughter named Gabriella. I'm a stay at home mom, but I used to teach Emotional Support students. Someday, I'll teach again, but for now I love being at home with Gabby. We live in a suburb outside Pittsburgh. It's where I was raised, and I've never lived anywhere else. I'd like to, but with my whole family here, it's not likely to happen anytime soon.

We're hoping to have a second child sometime in the next 1-1 1/2 years, and are going to start "trying" this coming Autumn. I recently discovered that I have a Luteal Phase Defect, so I just (like, literally, today) started taking B6 supplements to try to fix my cycles. If the Luteal phase isn't long enough, there is no chance of a pregnancy.

Gabby is pretty much the coolest little kid ever. She was a total pain in the rear early on, though. She had severe GERD and almost needed a feeding tube because she had such a severe feeding aversion. I wasn't able to breastfeed her, and that's something that still annoys me. I hope I'll be able to breastfeed if we have a second kid, but I have an inverted nipple (just the one...), so it might not work out. Bottle feeding is just so annoying.

Anyway, now that Gabs is a toddler, she's so great! She's really cuddly, sweet and loving. I couldn't have imagined a better child!